Spell check failure. And browser check (Chrome) failure, too. I do wonder when/if Microsoft’s websites will start to play nicely with non-Microsoft browsers. Or at least acknowledge that they exist and may be preferred by some users.

For the record, I was looking at http://www.microsoft.com/learning/sa-vl-catalog/savldefault.aspx to get a sense of how beneficial the eLearning might be if we were to opt for an Microsoft Enterprise Agreement, but the haphazard icons and spelling error doesn’t fill me with confidence about this particular benefit. It’s an honest mistake, but one that could have been fixed by now, surely? Other benefits that I like the sound of are the 30 training days, the 24×7 support, and the $8.95 Home Use Program for Office 2010 for all employees. I assume that there is something similar for Office for Mac 2011. Although the joy of using Outlook for Mac 2011 disappeared when I realised that its calendar format does not play nicely with others’ (which is code for “I can’t get my iPhone to sync”).

I digress. I spent an hour today discussing Microsoft licensing. It’s been a while since I last tried to get my head around MS licensing options and, in short, spending time with someone whose job it is to understand and distil it is time well spent. Enterprise eCALs form part of an Enterprise Desktop which can be bundled in under an Enterprise Agreement. Three “Enterprise’s” in a row: did I just win a game of MS bingo? But you’ll need to licence SQL CALs separately, Lync Plus CALs for the extra telephony features, annual true-ups at 0.8 of the year prior for perpetual pricing, or alternatively we could opt for a fixed-price subscription model. But of course we needn’t just limit ourselves to talk of an Enterprise Agreement. There is Open Licence, Open Value, Select Licence, Select Plus……..

My word. I look forward to the summary PPTX.

Having survived almost 6 years of London Underground (aka “The Tube”), with all limbs and appendages intact, I have determined that there is a deceptively complex knack to doing so. Gone are the days of pushing the button to open the doors and waiting a mere split-second for a coated-gent to offer you their seat; the manners are gone and the experience seems somewhat Darwinian in its survive of the fittest feel (if you believe in such theories, that is). So, as I look back on the head-shaking behaviours seen, the comments overheard and the near misses, the following are my tips and tricks for arriving at one’s destination with both attire and pleasant mood preserved.

So here we are, in no particular order:

1. Umbrellas
London weather can be atrocious and we fellow Tube passengers are sympathetic to that. We accept that the floor may become slippery and your makeup/hair may be sticking to your face in a way that you probably aren’t aware of and certainly wouldn’t endorse if you could see it from our perspective. But that is where the sympathy stops, I’m afraid. Small, compact umbrellas are preferred as they can be kept reasonably out of the way and under control. If you have the casing, please put your umbrella back in it so that we, your fellow passengers, aren’t sprinkled or smeared throughout the journey. If you insist on using one of the traditional, long, umbrellas please keep it perpendicular to the earth at all times. This particularly includes when walking and going upstairs. I do not wish to experience an umbrella jab in my face, stomach, legs or even my bag as you sashay about the Tube station with your devil-may-care umbrella swinging back and forth parallel to the ground and targeted at my person.

2. Backpacks
London is a wonderful city and there is much to see and do. London is also a hideously expensive city, and accommodation charges can be over-the-top, especially when travelling on a foreign currency. This has given rise to the wave of backpackers who come to London, use cheap backpacker accommodation and spend their money on the more exciting parts of their trip than the single bed/BBC1-4 overnight stay. We hope that you enjoy our fair city, but please help us to continue enjoying our city by not being a menace on the Tube. Your backpack is enormous and you seem to forget that it contains more zippers and scratchy attachments than you could possibly have need of. When you turn around to read an advertisement, see what Tube station you’re at, to smile at a fellow passenger etc (none of which we particularly sanction either, come to that) your bag is likely to smack a hapless passenger about. And/or will catch on my stockings and see me turning up to work looking entirely dishevelled. If you must travel with one of “those” backpacks, please stay stationary. Or find a seat (I know, I know…good luck) and plop the backpack on your lap. In this case, we would prefer that you find a seat at the end so that you can lean the backpack towards the wall and even further away from us.

3. Tourists not knowing which way to turn when disembarking from the carriage
I will assume that all tourists have a Tube map (it’s free and ubiquitous) and so they know which station is their’s. What I’m seeing, though, are waves of tourists disembarking from the carriage only to abruptly stop and look for directions to the exit or connecting Tube line. Please, please look ahead. The Tube has clear windows (bar the graffiti, smog and chewing gum) and as the Tube is pulling into the station you will see signs pointing you in the right direction. Please bounce out of the carriage armed with this information and make your way immediately in the intended direction. If you need to pull over for directions/adjustment/air please do so against the wall and only after moving a good few metres away from the carriage.

4. Let Others Out First
We all hear these words and although they register, they are often ignored. What we seem to hear is: “let the first three people out so as not to be a complete crush” which leads to the awkward “are you going left or right” dance in the carriage doorway. Particularly inconvenient when there are people on both sides so the only option is, sadly, directly forward and take no prisoners. I will hasten to mention that there are often situations where you think that you have waited for all passengers to disembark, only to find that straggler who must have been seated right in the middle and was only just able to get to the doors in the nick of time. Seats are elusive and comfortable, but it is worth foregoing a seat for 30 seconds so that you can make your way to do the door while the train is moving, rather than trying to heave ho against the tide once it stops.

5. Oyster at the ready!
The Tube is not free. Value for money is an argument we can have some other time, but free it is not. Which means at some point close to the exit you will be required to produce either your Oyster card or your ticket. Either is fine. Both are frequently rejected by the turnstiles and although it’s probably not your fault you will hear us sighing behind you at the displeasure of having to wait 5 seconds for your Error 22 message to pass so that you can try again and succeed this time. My point being, you will need a ticket to exit. I’m telling you this so that you don’t appear shocked and disoriented as you start to search through your pockets/bag when it’s your turn at the turnstiles (often after queueing). A good rule of thumb is: get the Oyster out at the top of the escalators. Yes there may be more escalators to come and in some stations there may be stairs, escalators and oceans of people all stuck behind Error 22. But it is better to be prepared, so Oysters at the ready please!

6. Move down inside the carriage
Nothing quite startles the early morning soul like the sound of an otherwise perfectly pleasant Brit banging on the window asking unobliging passengers to move down inside the carriage. I don’t understand why more people don’t, in fact, move down inside the carriage. After all, you’re standing right in front of the people who are seated, which means that you can swoop into their spot the moment they stand. Conventional wisdom suggests that you wait for them to fully step away from their seat before claiming it as your own, but from what I’m seeing such manners appear to be going out of fashion.

7. Stand to the right on the escalators
Although not strictly limited to the Tube, it is here where I most commonly experience this behaviour and so it is included in this list. Stand to the right is the sign that is plastered everywhere. There is no getting away from it and we all expect you to know that you should stand on the right unless you’re in the “overtaking” lane on the left. This doesn’t mean that you put your bag on the right and then stand in the middle. Or stand on the right with hands on hips. Or stand alongside your partner/friend who happens to be standing on the right. This means that you need to push yourself up against the right-hand side so that we impatient people can move past without tripping, poking, tut-tutting, reminding etc. For those who do choose the left hand lane, please think of your experiences on the road. If you are in the overtaking lane, we expect you to be overtaking those in the slow lanes. Otherwise we may be forced to make gestures and flash lights to indicate that you are lane-hogging and want you to move over. We do not have headlights in the pedestrian world and so passive aggressive comments just a little too loud to be considered to be under your breath are the tool of choice.

8. Awkward conversations
I love gossip as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place. If you are talking about someone else, please don’t use surnames as that will only make us all rather uncomfortable as we wonder if that is the same Joe Black that we know, and would that mean that he….(you get the picture). Keep it light, breezy, anonymous and don’t suddenly whisper when you get to the juicy bits. If you’re talking about yourself (ie argument, breakup conversation etc) please park that for a later time, preferably in private. We are perfectly comfortable with icy silences on the Tube, no problems there at all thank you.

9. Open button
The Tube doors open automatically. The Open button lights up but the doors open automatically. The overland doors do need someone to hit the Open button for them to open. Londoners know this and nothing gives a tourist away quite like the “I’ll be helpful and confident” action of a tourist pressing the Open button on a Tube. We giggle at you.

10. Hens, bucks and fancy dress
Just don’t. Please. Some nights of the year we all join in and then it’s acceptable such as Halloween (although I never dress up for that myself). On such nights it is fun, creates community and we all exchange nods and smiles at particularly impressive costumes. The rest of the time your pink tassled angel wings and “Dazza’s Bucks Night 2011″ t-shirts make us cringe. Please stop.

11. Keeping your headphone cables under control so as not to snag someone
It can be somewhat amusing to watch someone walking along casually and then going flying backwards as their headphone cable gets snagged on a pedestrian passing in the opposite direction. These things happen but it would be better for everyone (you most of all, I would think) if they were kept under control and not likely to catch or snag. Speaking of headphones, I strongly encourage the use of noise-cancelling headphones. As a public service (I know my taste in music is, um, not mainstream) I wear Princess Leia-style Bose noise-cancelling headphones and preserve both my dignity and the eardrums of those around me. I wish others would do the same. Although I do find it fascinating when I trace back music to someone who simply does not fit the usual demographic for that particular music, whatever it may be.

12. Suitcases and extending the handles
I did the Monday–>Friday consultant commute for years and I understand that you will need to haul suitcases around the Tube to get where you need to be. Those on the Victoria line are particularly used to this sight as it services Euston, Kings Cross and Victoria. Please keep to the side so that we can get past. And please please please do not attempt to extend the handles the moment you get to the top of the escalator. “Top of the escalator” is a special place. You have a different spacial perspective, you’re setting the pace for those behind you, you have to cross through traffic to get to the next intersection or turnstile. It’s a place of quick decisions and action. It is not, I repeat not, the place for you to put down your suitcase and extend the handle. Please carry it the extra 10m and then set it down and extend the handle, maintaining a steady pace off the escalator.

13. Poles and rails
Rails running parallel to the earth are there for the vast masses to use. Kindly lift your arm up straight and clutch on; not shooting out at a 45 degree angle leaving your elbow to whack me on my head with every bump in the journey. Poles running perpendicular to the earth are likewise there for the vast masses to use, and we don’t really mind where you grab, but hands only. They are not there for you to hook your arm around to give you that sturdy grip that will render you invulnerable to the antics of the road-raging staccato driver upfront. They are certainly not there are a back scratching board for you to lean up against. You may, of course, lean away when the carriage is all but empty. The moment the seats are taken we expect you to get ready to share the perpendicular pole. If you don’t, I am likely to grab hold of the rail regardless. Yes that is my hand in your back and in fact I am sure that you can count the knuckles digging in. Perhaps you could be an active citizen and move rather than giving me a dirty look as though it’s my fault for not wearing my suction-cap shoes this particular morning.

As the years continue I am sure that I will add to the above. I can only imagine what London 2012 Tube antics have to offer. In the meantime, happy travels.

After my many blog posts relating to HDD failure, NAS replacements and the like, the unthinkable happened. Whilst holidaying in Australia recently, we received a phone call from our upstairs neighbours letting us know that our flat had been burgled.

Having repeated the story in detail to friends/family/insurers a number of times now, I will refrain from doing so again, but suffice to say that it could have been better, but that it could also have been much worse:

Could have been better:
Having only just moved house a few weeks prior, we had many boxes still taped up and helpfully marked as “electricals” etc, making their task that much easier. They switched the fridge off, presumably as they were planning to take it but were interrupted or thought better of it. All of our clothes were rummaged through with minor damage as a result, but it’s more the mental image of it that disturbs me than anything.

Could have been worse:
It’s only now that we’re realising just how bad it could have been. They took everything that used electricity, including laptops, HDDs, thumb drives, digital pens, TVs, DVD players, kettle etc. They even took the electric toothbrush. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that the bulk of my data was backed up to Mozy, so I was protected from significant data losses. Any IT consultant will have amassed a vast body of work over the life of their career and I’d feel quite bereft without mine, not to mention photos, music, personal files etc that represent the other half of my life. Not all of these were backed up to Mozy and they are lost forever. My fault entirely as I was synchronising *.* files between laptops and HDDs, but only backing up a subsection to Mozy. My thinking, as best as I recall, was that the initial upload was consuming the home Internet connection so I stopped it with a view to uploading the rest at a later and more convenient time. As I said, my fault entirely, but I’ve learnt that lesson now.

We are quite a well-organised home, so finding the paperwork to prove ownership of our stolen possessions hasn’t been particularly difficult, even when the original purchase was years ago. That said, it’s been laborious to scan and email everything across to the insurance firm. Proving ownership of stolen items is one thing, but if we’d been flooded or fire-damaged – all the more pertinent following our Australia visit – I’m not sure we’d be in a particularly strong position. I doubt that we differ from most in that regard. It’s a standard risk assessment: likelihood is ‘low’ but impact is ‘high’. And now that we’ve had an insight into what the impact could have been, we are reviewing our options for data protection and storage more seriously. I can’t see us signing up for Iron Mountain anytime soon, but there are Internet-based (or cloud-based, if you prefer) services that allow you to create a home inventory with photos, receipts etc as well as keeping track of what you’ve spent and whether your insurance is adequate. Painful to create when you’re already well-established, but fairly easy to then maintain and rather insightful. Of course, purchase price doesn’t correlate to replacement value, especially for electronics when the prices continue to drop on a near-daily basis. I was horrified to see how much I’d spent on my TV 5 years ago, versus what the cost is for a similar model now.

In the end, data losses have been minor and we are much savvier now about records management should the worst recur. Or more correctly, we are now looking to put in place the measures we didn’t previously prioritise.

We are now looking to put in place the measures we didn’t previously prioritise

What continues to horrify me – and I can’t think of a comprehensive answer to – is how wide open all of us must be to identity theft. Our burglars were only after electricals, but if they’d had more sophisticated intentions we would have been compromised. There are credit reporting services, but these are reactive, banks seem only able to cancel cards rather than put them on hold, and everything that a burglar would need on paper in order to prove that she was me was well within reach. All of which would be reversible in time, I’m sure, but I continue to remain begrudgingly grateful to our burglars for just being “smash and grab” types.